Tuesday, June 9, 2015

A Heavy Heart

Mom writes:

As I tucked her into bed at 6pm, I realized the knot in my stomach was much more than that.  I have a heavy heart as well.

I was watching her  sitting  on the couch "watching" tv.  Was she really watching?  Of course not.  She was tired, oh so tired, but didn't know what to do about it.  I simply told her to go to bed.  She got up and went to brush her teeth.

I realize how dull her expression has become lately.  Why hadn't I seen it before?  Why have I beome immune to the physical changes?  Perhaps I need to just go thru each day as it presents itself.

This afternoon when she struggled to explain her difficulty in seeing out of her left eye I felt like I'd been slapped.  Less than a year ago there was the loss of hearing in the left ear.  Are we to have loss of sight on the same side as well?  Perhaps.

Her unsteady gait is becoming more unsteady.  As we go up to the alter at Church to receive communion if she has to stop she usually takes a step or two backward.  I automatically touch the small of her back and she's ok.  When we go up the ramp at day-hab I automatically put my arm out for her to steady herself.  Why?  The ramp is dark brown and it's difficult for her to process.

Four years ago, after the Alzheimer's diagnosis I said I was going to be hyper-vigilant to everything that happens to her.  I was told that wasn't a path I needed to take in her care.  I was told I just needed to go with the flow and it would be easier on me.  That's what I've done.  LOL

So today it caught up to me and it has made me very sad.  Can it be changed?  Of course not.  Are these changes unexpected?  Of course not.  But it doesn't make the mother's heart hurt any less. She's my daughter, I love her and would change everything if I could.  But I'm not that powerful.  I'll just keep doing what I've been doing.

2 comments:

  1. (((Internet Hugs))) A mother's grief is a burden to bear. Sending positive and healing vibes to Lyn's mother during this difficult time.

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  2. Yes, I recognize this ripping of your soul as you grieve (again) the piece-by-piece loss of your loved one. The "new normal" each day sometimes causes you to catch your breath with the sadness. Positive thoughts and prayers to all of you as you travel this road together.

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