No Such Thing as Safe Sex

Over the weekend, our uncle called to speak with Mom.  They chat regularly and she frequently shares jokes with him.  This time, she had a joke with the word "sex" in it.  Lyn was appalled.  She was standing at Mom's shoulder for the entirety of the call and started elbowing her when the word was said.  "That's NOT appropriated!" she hissed.

When we spoke via Skype, Lyn was eager to tell me about it.  She wanted me to commiserate with her about Mom's appalling behavior.  I asked Lyn to tell me the joke so I could understand what was upsetting about it.  Lyn refused to tell me because she knew she would get in trouble.  So, Mom told me and we chuckled over it.  It was cute but not at all scandalous.  Lyn was not pleased with hearing the joke again and started back onto the "not appropriated" chant.  So, I decided to throw a wrench into her mental works by announcing "You know... I have sex."

Needle on the record.

Lyn stopped to stare at me for a long heart beat and then let loose.  "You should not!  It is not good for you!  You will get in trouble!  The police will come and arrest you!  I know!"  I think I started laughing before she finished saying that sex is not good for me.  She was so mad that she was shaking.  She proceeded to describe in detail how the police know these things and they'll come to arrest me and frisk us.  She mimed being patted down.  She felt it very urgent that I end the call and go tell my husband that we "can't do that anymore!"  She refused to say "sex" and insisted that I use the hand motions she was demonstrating.

I promised to make sure the curtains were closed the next time we engaged in such illegal activities.  She was not eased.  She was insisting that I stop and tell my husband he too has to stop or the police will know.

Mom and I had to wipe tears from our faces.  I theorized that perhaps Lyn has watched a few too many episodes of Cops.  When I told her that it was OK and legal because we're married, she was again unconvinced and was ready for a second round of her diatribe.  My lungs couldn't take it and I tried to get her onto another topic by promising that I would most definitely tell my husband of her concerns.

Unfortunately, I'm not interested in mending my ways.  We've decided we'll take our chances with the police.

As for Lyn, she again proves she would have been quite a leader in the Temperance movement had she been born in a different era.


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