Going Through the Motions

The other night, Mom made a comment about how this Christmas is hard because she knows her daughter is dying.  I asked her to elaborate and she wrote:

You asked for my thoughts.  Hope this will make sense.

I have always loved the holidays.  When I lived in Italy, I had a houseful of people each day.  I love the baking, cooking, cleaning and general confusion.  I love seeing the smiles and hearing the squeals of the little kids, the anticipation each day brought.  I think I worked hard, as you kids were growing up, to make this a magical time of year.  I didn't succeed but that's another path. 

Since Lyn still believes in Santa, it has been easy and fun to keep the magic alive.  Well, she still believes but that memory goes waaaaay back.

When I was told she has Early On-set Alzheimer's, my first reaction was "Ok, what do I need to do to make her life a good one."  Today, I realize that I handled this the same way I handled stage fright.  It didn't hit me till after the final performance of a play.  Well, it's been 3 years and the same thing is happening.  My head accepted her new diagnosis.  My heart is just now catching up with all this.  My head knows Alzheimer's is a terminal disease.  My heart hadn't accepted that.  

A few weeks ago, my heart opened up and realized that my daughter is dying and I can do nothing about it.  It's a fact of life!   The consequence?  I can't really get into the holiday spirit the way I wanted to.  I usually begin baking in early November.  I'm just now getting it done.  I usually have my cards ready to mail in October.  I did them in mid-November.  I usually shop all year and have things ready to mail out December 1st.  This year, I got everyone just one present, except her.  The boxes have been mailed but my heart isn't in this.  

Lyn doesn't want me to know what she wants for some reason.  She wants a new Speak and Spell.  They don't make them and haven't since 1992.  This is a surprise because she hasn't touched one in probably 5 years.  Perhaps her memory is back to when she played with one.  This is the first time in 42 years that I can't get what she really wants.  I try not to feel guilty about this but want to find a NEW one.  

So, I'll go thru the motions and make it good for her, make it fun because I think "will this be the last year she'll truly enjoy?"

Guess I'll go bake some cookies.


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