Feeling the Stress

I'm sharing this with you today because I want you to look into a window of what a caretaker sometimes feels.

Mom writes:

(Monday) was an "off" day. I had to wake her because she had speech at 8:45 and I figured 10 hrs sleep was enough. Things just seemed a bit more difficult today. BUT, I think what is going to be hardest for me on this journey is the paranoia or whatever you want to call it.

I noticed last night as I was fixing dinner, chicken chowder, she kept turning around and looking at what I was doing. She had been watching PBR. When I asked her to set up the trays she acted like she didn't hear me. I raised my voice a bit and she 'heard' me and set things up. She wanted to know if I was using drumsticks since that's the kind of chicken she likes. I said no but I have some in the freezer if she wants that for dinner Mon. Yes, of course she did.

Each time I have come to the computer today she has appeared at my shoulder. The phone range once and she answered it. Handed it to me and stood two feet from me. I got up and went in my room to talk. She then went to the island in the kitchen, even tho I'd turned on Price is Right for her to watch. She decided she needed to clean her stamps which she's not used in many months. But that way she could stand, spray them with 409 and still see and hear me talking on the phone. I know she was about to pop wanting to know who I was talking to but I ignored her.

I planned on putting the drumsticks on the grill. She announced she "loves fried chicken" for supper. WHAT????? So I'm frying them. I can't remember the last time I did that. Each time I go to the stove to turn them or check on them she's about two feet from me. Reminds me of the first 8 yrs of her life when she shadowed me. Makes me want to scream. Right now she pacing back and forth from the living room to the kitchen and looking over here to the computer. She even asked if I was sending you an email. I told her not to worry about what I was doing.

I guess her hovering bothers me so much is because all my life I felt someone had to know my every move and word. I've never really felt like I had privacy, even when I do. Maybe it's just that my life has never been my own. Actually, I'm probably way out in left field, tired and bitchy today. Oh well.


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